My fellow Identity-Americans:

As your future President I want to thank my supporters, for their... well, support.

Your mindless support of me, despite my complete lack of any legislative achievement, my pastor's relations with Louis Farrakhan and Libyan dictator Moamar Quadafi, and my blatantly leftist voting record while I present myself as some sort of bi-partisan "agent-of-change" (whatever that means).

I also like how my supporters claim my youthful drug use and criminal behavior somehow qualifies me for the Presidency after 8 years of claiming Bush's youthful drinking disqualifies him. Your hypocrisy is a beacon of hope shining over a sea of political posing.

I'd like to thank the Kennedys for coming out in support of me. There's a lot of glamour behind the Kennedy name, even though JFK started the Vietnam War while trysting with Marilyn Monroe, his brother Robert illegally wiretapped Martin Luther King, Jr., while swimmer Teddy killed a teenage girl (hiccup). And I'm not going anywhere near the cousins, both literally and figuratively.

I'd also like to thank Oprah Winfrey from my heart for her support. Her love of meaningless empty platitudes will be the force that propels me to the White House while she starts her next diet regimen.

Americans should vote for me, not because of my lack of experience or achievement, but because I make people feel good—oh yes, and because I'm a 'Christian'. Voting for me causes some white folk to feel relieved of their imagined, racist guilt, and others to flat-out faint. My vibes are awesome, dude.

I say things that sound meaningful, but don't really mean anything because Americans are tired of things having meaning. If things have meaning, then that means you have to think about them.

Americans are tired of thinking.

It's time to shut down the brain, and open up the heart.

So when you go to vote, remember, don't think, just do.

And do it for me.

Thank You.

Barack Hussein Obama
My Own Main Man

p.s. If you don't vote for me, for crying out loud, vote for my charming opponent. You really want to be with us when we raid the government coffers and any tax-paying American family that earns over $50k per year... those filthy rich capitalists who have long labored to provided a place where we can work and support our families (because most of you, unlike me, with my fancy Hahvahd schooling, didn't have the gumption to get off the stoop, get an education, and get out there and figure out how to earn an honest living for yourself... and others).

So, if you can't find it in your cold heart to vote for me and for "change" — an administration that would make the Carter presidency shine — then puhleeze, vote for my opponent. At least, with her, you also get egroll and someone who is proud of her country and her plan to tax, tax, tax and spend to completely socialize my America... you betcha.